so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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