Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
