Swine flu is the new snow day.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
