I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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