I need to stop coming to work sober
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
