had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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