Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just pee around me
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
