We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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