I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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