I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
