I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
