he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
