my sisters under your porch take her home
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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