Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
