A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
