i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
