No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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