party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
