My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
