I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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