Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
