You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
