Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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