So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
This toilet bowl is my home.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
