If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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