Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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