dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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