Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
