she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
