For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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