how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
