I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
