I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
