oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
