wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
