So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Randomize
