Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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