Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
