i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I AM VODKA MAN
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
