You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
