so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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