a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
