Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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