Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
