My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
