And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
