i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
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