Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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