So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
