Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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