the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think I just sharted jello shots
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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